It seems like just
yesterday I was searching for a job, and deciding on the path to choose for my
future. I blinked, and it has been almost two years since my last post! So much
has happened in my life, both good and bad, but I could not be happier where I
have ended up.
I look back at my
thoughts two years ago, and so much still resonates. While I have grown in so
many ways, I still struggle with the idea of anger. I still worry about time,
and how much of it we are blessed with. While worrying I try and decipher the
value of this thought, is it a weed or a daisy?
I have grown into my
faith more and more. In difficult times I find it easier to look to my faith
for comfort and hope. However, I have learned that being a dedicated servant in
your faith means even more when your life is going "as planned".
Asking for help in times of hardship comes more naturally to many of us. Which
makes sense, as WE need help; WE need hope. But providing help to others,
serving the lord in all we do, and being grateful for the opportunities and the
life we have been given when all is well in our lives is much harder. We say
thank you when someone holds the door open for us, when a friend compliments
you, when a co-worker does a great job. But how many of us truly say thank you
to the Lord every day?
I am as guilty as anyone
else. In the last two years I have called on my faith and my savior to help me
in so many ways. I often feel guilty for the support I have asked for. In
hindsight, our problems never seem quite so big, but during their peak they can
feel like quicksand. After my "problems" have passed I realize how
many other people have "real" problems and hardships that they deal
with continually. Comparing ourselves to others isn't always helpful, but it
does provide me some prospective.
This prospective is
helpful in the grander scheme but it leads back to that guilt. At least for me!
I've been reading a book with a girlfriend this month called "Spinster,
Making a Life of One's Own". The general premise of the book is to take a
deeper look at what it means to live to authentically within ourselves. It
questions your wants and desires, while delving in to the endless possibilities
of your dreams. I can't speak for my girlfriend, but my book is now riddled
with highlighter and post it notes pointing out a line that moved me, or
stirred a deep thought within me! One line in particular has stuck with me
throughout the book. To put the phrase in context, she has just broken up with
her boyfriend of many many years, W. He symbolizes her fear to change in many
ways. While they have grown apart long ago, his constant nature is a comfort to
her in a time of uncertainty...your mid 20s! She learns he has started dating a
new woman (one whom he eventually marries) and she is writhed with jealousy.
After many days and weeks of crying she says to herself, "Kate, the only
place this horrific jealousy exists is in inside of you. If you stop feeling
it, it will disappear". Some of you may be wondering how I plan on bringing
this back full circle to my comment about guilt....trust me I have an
idea!
I feel guilt for a
number of reasons; when I let someone down, when I can't help someone (even if
I have tried my best), when I feel too happy or overly blessed, and especially
when my actions could negatively impact another. I have learned over the last
few years that very rarely do your actions not effect someone, whether you mean
them to or not. But I have also learned that most people are inherently good,
and though their actions may cause you pain, it is done so unintentionally. I
try to remember this about my actions as well. In the same regard, providing
help to someone in need should always be considered a positive. There are
situations that are out of our control, but your shear attempt to better a
situation for someone shows a kindness and compassion in you. You should never
feel guilty for trying to help someone. Lastly, I have learned that feeling
guilty for your success and happiness is almost as bad as feeling entitled. You
have been granted these blessings because you have earned them and deserve
them. What right do you have to feel unhappy with your gifts, even if it seems
you are doing so for a noble reason?
So now I am getting back
to the quote. "Kate, the only place this horrific jealousy exists is
inside of you. If you stop feeling it, it will disappear". I think this
line captivated me so immensely because I find the word jealousy very
interchangeable. This horrific: guilt, sadness, despair, confusion,
hopelessness, etc. As an empathetic person, I tend to get these immense
feelings of guilt for no reason. I take very innocent encounters and convince
myself that I have done something very wrong, that I should feel guilty. What a
unique place my head would be if I could learn to just be grateful and
thankful! When I express these feelings of guilt to my mother during our long
phone conversations I can feel her eyes rolling and hear the exasperation in
her voice. "Anna! You have nothing to be guilty about!" About 95% of
the time she is right, but even hearing her confirmation doesn't always
counteract my neurotic nature. So I said to myself while reading, "Anna,
the only place this horrific guilt exists is inside of you. If you stop feeling
it, it will disappear". I believe that, I truly do. At the end of the day,
I am usually the only person even thinking about an encounter still, or a
comment I made, or how I phrased something. While it is good to be
introspective, you do need to keep some perspective! There will be times I am
thankful while others are grieving, and times I am troubled when it seems like
everyone else is thriving. Appreciating our blessings means putting aside the
guilt and truly being thankful.
Stop remembering what
God has forgotten. -Psalm 103:12
