86,400 seconds in a day....tick tock

Time is a funny thing. Is it even a thing? I guess it's a thing, but you can't even hold it in your hand. An hour consists of a certain number of minutes, a day of hours and a year of days. Sometimes I feel like I'm chasing after it to keep up, and other times it's as if the clock hands never move. I think a lot of it has to do with my mentality at the time. We beg and beg for time to speed up during our times of trouble. We beg and beg for time to slow down in our moments of pure bliss and enjoyment. And the real kicker is that time is represented by change. I only want the bad things to change, never the good. Tick tock, tick tock.

I count down the day leading up to change. 3 days until I reunite with an old, dear friend. 4 days until another roommate moves on. 28 days until my lease ends on my apartment. Which means 28 days until I need to find a job and a new path. And somewhere in there, the possibility of my new beautiful nieces birth. Every day, even as I type this now, the seconds are counting down. Change is coming.

For every amazing blessing we are gifted, hard change is not far by. It’s not a punishment, rather a fact of life. Change happens. Sometimes it means that one bad thing turns into a good thing. Sometimes it means one good thing turns into a bad thing. Sometimes it means one good thing turns into another good thing. It’s impossible to know which combination is going to happen. Its change. To change things have to become different. Nothing can stay the same.
 To be honest, most things we want to change. Just on our own schedule. But very rarely does God ask us for our planners. For our 5 year and 10 year goals. We pray and he knows what is truly in our hearts. What plans he has for us. They are independent of time. Independent of the clock on the walls. What God wants us to achieve, to reach, is based on us. It doesn't take a lifetime to achieve happiness. It doesn't take 10 years, 10 weeks or even 10 days to achieve each goal. We are given the amount of time we need.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

There is a time for everything. The present time may not seem promising. Times may get tough. But as surely as bad things are going to happen, good times will happen too. God times the changes in our life perfectly. And we change according to Gods purpose for us. It is up to us to believe in him. To have faith.

Make your faith bigger than you, bigger than change, bigger than time. 

Ciao. Adios. Sayonara. Au revoir. Goodbye. I'll be seeing you.

Goodbyes are hard. And they only get harder as we grow up.

When I was in high school, like many others my age, I graduated and moved to my respective college thinking I would stay in touch with everyone. In high school I was friends with a lot of different people but I too had my core group of friends. After the big move, you would slowly disconnect with people. The friends you thought you would have forever, or the people that were just a friendly face in the hall. Life happens and for the time being, there simply wasn't the time to keep in touch. Even some family members get pushed toward the back shelf. Its not that you care any less for them, more that the new and exciting adventures in your life seem to take precedent.

At the same time you are disconnecting with old friends, you are connecting with new ones. People from other areas, other backgrounds, etc. They are new, different, and intriguing. Often, they have the same interests as you and seem to fit, like a part of a puzzle you never knew was missing a piece. You grow, share memories, hardships, accomplishments and you change, hopefully for the better. But all too soon, its time to say goodbye again. Some friends will stay close while others will move across the country. You say goodbye and it doesn't seem as easy as before.

The next phase in life for many is your first job. You start new and fresh. You meet coworkers, neighbors, and random strangers. They are your "adult friends". You all have responsibilities. More than you've ever had before. You have a budget, a job, work assignments, a family, and a significant other. The "hangouts" change drastically. Instead of parties and bars, you have wine nights, meet for an early dinner, go to shows together, etc. Life is different, but you still find it just as enjoyable.

In my case, I went to graduate school and was blessed with thirteen beautiful people I got to call friends. Each person was from a different state, a different background, and had different ideas and beliefs. While we weren't all "best friends", I can say honestly we cared very much for each other. Similarly, my first job blessed me with not only two amazing bosses, but their families. They accepted me as one of their own. Though we didn't have to be, we became family more than friends.

I'm not sure if the friends we make as we get older mean more to us, or rather, because they are there for so many life changes and difficulties, we accept them as truer. I've never had a friend I didn't care about, and like many, I can say I would do almost anything to help a friend.

I think as we mature, and get older we learn to appreciate the value of a good friend. The frailty of life, and how quickly the people we care about can be taken away. We look back and realize the friendships that meant the most to us, and in some cases, the friendships we wish we hadn't let go. In my experience, those friends are missing you just as much as you are missing them. It takes courage to reach out to someone you feel you have disappointed, but the reward is worth the fear.

I think the true testament of a great life is the people you surround yourself with. You hope god blesses your life with individuals that will help you grow and be the best version of you there is. You hope you are able to do the same for them. The number of people that fit this bill may be slim. But you'll know who they are when you meet them.

As I walked across the stage this past weekend, graduating and moving towards my next adventure in life, I found myself smiling instead of crying. And this is my advice:

Give yourself to others and let them give to you. Speak kindly, share your stories, and listen to theirs. You won't know the answer to everything, and neither will they. You will fall down and you will help each other up.  Always give more than you take. And above all else, let people know how much they mean to you. At the end of the day, if you can smile instead of cry when saying goodbye, you know you did it. You are smiling because you know its impossible to say goodbye to people who live in your very heart and soul. You have given love and you have received it.

Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Which came first? The anger or the fear?

Anger is a funny emotion. I've never been really great at it. Maybe that's why when I feel it I go a little off the deep end. You know the feeling I am talking about. It's like someone else takes over your body. Every muscle is tense, you can't take a full, deep breath. By the time I get to the middle of my rant I can barely remember why I was mad in the first place. That just makes me more mad. I know I probably had a reason, but now I'm the only person upset and shouting for something I can't even remember.

I also have a problem with guilt. When I yell or get upset at someone I instantly regret it. What if I hurt the other persons feelings? What if I said something that might stick with them and effect their life? It doesn't matter that what I said was probably true. It doesn't matter that I rarely get angry and yell at someone instantly. I think about those thoughts a lot. I hold it in until I can't do that anymore. To me it seems as that's doing them a favor, not getting mad at them all the time. But I can see how people would say that's a disservice, because if you don't know you did something wrong how can I expect you to fix it.

If you are confused after reading all that, you have a glimpse of how I feel about anger. I don't hate many things, other than pickles mainly, but I hate anger. Which is funny because anger leads to hate. As a wise, small, green man living in a swamp one said, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Well I suffer when I am angry.

It's like one of those true weeds. It grows and wraps around you suffocating all reason. I don't like myself when I am angry and I am sure no one else does either. And lately I have been angry a lot. I think we often go towards anger when we know nothing else. When we are afraid.

The past year I have gone through a lot of changes. And I am afraid of the unknown. The uncertainty eats away at you. I push away people I care about because I am afraid of the possibility of loosing them. Specifically one person who I care about the most. It's hard to have faith when you are surrounded by doubt and negativity. You can convince yourself of almost anything when you imagine it and think about it long and hard enough. It's amazing the things that you imagine. Your worst fears brought to life. And somehow every single one of them seems reasonable.

The fear then multiplies. What is real and what have I made up. Can I even figure that out anymore? The worst part is all this is to keep me safe, to avoid potential suffering. But I am suffering.  Not letting yourself believe in the possibility of good is suffering. Not letting yourself be loved is to suffer.

John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

I have perfect love. In my significant other, in my family and in my friends. Fear is a dangerous emotion. I've decided that I don't hate anger, I hate that my fear and doubts manifest as it. When you are so blessed to have supportive people in your life, knowing they will always be there, in spite of the uncertainty should diminish my fear. Knowing I have someone in heaven watching over me should comfort me.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

When you are afraid and find yourself doubting all things. When you turn to anger to instead of love remember that God is with you. He is the light house during your storm. The only answer we need is that the people we love, and the God we love will always be with us. Allowing yourself to believe this is the biggest leap of all, but it is so worth it.

Remember to forgive. Remember to apologize. Remember to tell people you love them. Remember to let go of those burdens. Its hard to move past the anger and fear. I am still trying to move past it. But if you hold on, you may lose the things you cherish most.