Which came first? The anger or the fear?

Anger is a funny emotion. I've never been really great at it. Maybe that's why when I feel it I go a little off the deep end. You know the feeling I am talking about. It's like someone else takes over your body. Every muscle is tense, you can't take a full, deep breath. By the time I get to the middle of my rant I can barely remember why I was mad in the first place. That just makes me more mad. I know I probably had a reason, but now I'm the only person upset and shouting for something I can't even remember.

I also have a problem with guilt. When I yell or get upset at someone I instantly regret it. What if I hurt the other persons feelings? What if I said something that might stick with them and effect their life? It doesn't matter that what I said was probably true. It doesn't matter that I rarely get angry and yell at someone instantly. I think about those thoughts a lot. I hold it in until I can't do that anymore. To me it seems as that's doing them a favor, not getting mad at them all the time. But I can see how people would say that's a disservice, because if you don't know you did something wrong how can I expect you to fix it.

If you are confused after reading all that, you have a glimpse of how I feel about anger. I don't hate many things, other than pickles mainly, but I hate anger. Which is funny because anger leads to hate. As a wise, small, green man living in a swamp one said, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Well I suffer when I am angry.

It's like one of those true weeds. It grows and wraps around you suffocating all reason. I don't like myself when I am angry and I am sure no one else does either. And lately I have been angry a lot. I think we often go towards anger when we know nothing else. When we are afraid.

The past year I have gone through a lot of changes. And I am afraid of the unknown. The uncertainty eats away at you. I push away people I care about because I am afraid of the possibility of loosing them. Specifically one person who I care about the most. It's hard to have faith when you are surrounded by doubt and negativity. You can convince yourself of almost anything when you imagine it and think about it long and hard enough. It's amazing the things that you imagine. Your worst fears brought to life. And somehow every single one of them seems reasonable.

The fear then multiplies. What is real and what have I made up. Can I even figure that out anymore? The worst part is all this is to keep me safe, to avoid potential suffering. But I am suffering.  Not letting yourself believe in the possibility of good is suffering. Not letting yourself be loved is to suffer.

John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

I have perfect love. In my significant other, in my family and in my friends. Fear is a dangerous emotion. I've decided that I don't hate anger, I hate that my fear and doubts manifest as it. When you are so blessed to have supportive people in your life, knowing they will always be there, in spite of the uncertainty should diminish my fear. Knowing I have someone in heaven watching over me should comfort me.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

When you are afraid and find yourself doubting all things. When you turn to anger to instead of love remember that God is with you. He is the light house during your storm. The only answer we need is that the people we love, and the God we love will always be with us. Allowing yourself to believe this is the biggest leap of all, but it is so worth it.

Remember to forgive. Remember to apologize. Remember to tell people you love them. Remember to let go of those burdens. Its hard to move past the anger and fear. I am still trying to move past it. But if you hold on, you may lose the things you cherish most.