Mission Budapest- Day 1

My thoughts and prayers have varied over the last few months as I prepared for this mission trip. I will be the first to tell you that organization, structure and details are essentials in my life and that without them panic ensues. With that being said, my thoughts initially rested on the details (or lack there of in my mind). When are we leaving, where are we staying, what do we need, who is coming?? Trust me when I say the questions in my mind were never ending. I have always found experience to be the best teacher…. and having never been on a mission trip, my experience is non-existing. Moving past this worry of uncertainty and endless possibilities has been His first test for me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your way acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

As the details came together my worry and fear shifted to the simple idea of service. Though I attended church growing up and have participated in various bible studies and workshop groups as an adult, I have always looked at my faith as a very personal and private affair. My faith journey hasn’t always been a linear path…. If anything I would say it looks more like a version of the candy land board game, weaving in and out of sight through the Candy Cane Forest, Gum Drop Mountain and Molasses Swamp. I think that this variation from the straight and narrow has always brought me a sense of personal disappointment. While all relationships in our lives have there ups and downs, even the strongest, I never pictured that my relationship with God would. I like to think that we’ve argued like any child and parent do. I am stubborn and refuse to listen when clearly He knows best. He in turn lets me stumble and “do it my way” until I run back into His arms, crying and apologizing. His lessons aren’t always black and white. I scream back to “JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!”. He is there for the great days and the days that are worse than I could have imagined. He is patient, and loving while I am demanding and resistant. All this to say, my journey is not nor will it ever be “Picture Perfect”. Am I really the best person to share His word, His light and His love with others? Was my number called by mistake?

Service by definition is the action of helping or doing work for someone. When I first thought about service I thought that He was that someone I was serving. I am cringing just typing that. Yes, Anna…. His love and faith has been around for centuries but without you spreading the good news it will cease to exist! Another washed up celebrity that we can only read about on Wikipedia. Having had some more time to reflect on this sentiment I realize that that someone is me and you and the them we have yet to meet.

It has been just 11 hours since I boarded the plane to Amsterdam from Atlanta with 10 other women on this mission of service. Even in that short time my faith has been strengthened. As I listen to these young women talk about their faith, their journeys and their love of Christ I am reassured that the straight and narrow path is often the path less traveled. Just by sharing their stories they are helping me, helping one another and indirectly helping Him. I smiled as I laid my head back on my ridiculously uncomfortable neck pillow because even in this short time, I know my life and my faith will never be the same. Our service is to each other. To provide encouragement. To grow. To learn. To strengthen the love and relationship we have with Him. And most importantly to challenge those doubts we harbor about our worthiness for that love.

So….if this post is at all resonating with you and you too are working your way through the Ice Cream Sea to the Candy Castle I would love for you to follow me on this journey. My goal is to share my open and honest experiences in hopes that I can serve you and your faith, so you in turn can serve another. See you in Budapest!

As we lose ourselves in the service of others we discover our own lives and our own happiness. -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

innocent until proven guilty

It seems like just yesterday I was searching for a job, and deciding on the path to choose for my future. I blinked, and it has been almost two years since my last post! So much has happened in my life, both good and bad, but I could not be happier where I have ended up. 

I look back at my thoughts two years ago, and so much still resonates. While I have grown in so many ways, I still struggle with the idea of anger. I still worry about time, and how much of it we are blessed with. While worrying I try and decipher the value of this thought, is it a weed or a daisy? 

I have grown into my faith more and more. In difficult times I find it easier to look to my faith for comfort and hope. However, I have learned that being a dedicated servant in your faith means even more when your life is going "as planned". Asking for help in times of hardship comes more naturally to many of us. Which makes sense, as WE need help; WE need hope. But providing help to others, serving the lord in all we do, and being grateful for the opportunities and the life we have been given when all is well in our lives is much harder. We say thank you when someone holds the door open for us, when a friend compliments you, when a co-worker does a great job. But how many of us truly say thank you to the Lord every day? 

I am as guilty as anyone else. In the last two years I have called on my faith and my savior to help me in so many ways. I often feel guilty for the support I have asked for. In hindsight, our problems never seem quite so big, but during their peak they can feel like quicksand. After my "problems" have passed I realize how many other people have "real" problems and hardships that they deal with continually. Comparing ourselves to others isn't always helpful, but it does provide me some prospective. 

This prospective is helpful in the grander scheme but it leads back to that guilt. At least for me! I've been reading a book with a girlfriend this month called "Spinster, Making a Life of One's Own". The general premise of the book is to take a deeper look at what it means to live to authentically within ourselves. It questions your wants and desires, while delving in to the endless possibilities of your dreams. I can't speak for my girlfriend, but my book is now riddled with highlighter and post it notes pointing out a line that moved me, or stirred a deep thought within me! One line in particular has stuck with me throughout the book. To put the phrase in context, she has just broken up with her boyfriend of many many years, W. He symbolizes her fear to change in many ways. While they have grown apart long ago, his constant nature is a comfort to her in a time of uncertainty...your mid 20s! She learns he has started dating a new woman (one whom he eventually marries) and she is writhed with jealousy. After many days and weeks of crying she says to herself, "Kate, the only place this horrific jealousy exists is in inside of you. If you stop feeling it, it will disappear". Some of you may be wondering how I plan on bringing this back full circle to my comment about guilt....trust me I have an idea! 

I feel guilt for a number of reasons; when I let someone down, when I can't help someone (even if I have tried my best), when I feel too happy or overly blessed, and especially when my actions could negatively impact another. I have learned over the last few years that very rarely do your actions not effect someone, whether you mean them to or not. But I have also learned that most people are inherently good, and though their actions may cause you pain, it is done so unintentionally. I try to remember this about my actions as well. In the same regard, providing help to someone in need should always be considered a positive. There are situations that are out of our control, but your shear attempt to better a situation for someone shows a kindness and compassion in you. You should never feel guilty for trying to help someone. Lastly, I have learned that feeling guilty for your success and happiness is almost as bad as feeling entitled. You have been granted these blessings because you have earned them and deserve them. What right do you have to feel unhappy with your gifts, even if it seems you are doing so for a noble reason? 

So now I am getting back to the quote. "Kate, the only place this horrific jealousy exists is inside of you. If you stop feeling it, it will disappear". I think this line captivated me so immensely because I find the word jealousy very interchangeable. This horrific: guilt, sadness, despair, confusion, hopelessness, etc. As an empathetic person, I tend to get these immense feelings of guilt for no reason. I take very innocent encounters and convince myself that I have done something very wrong, that I should feel guilty. What a unique place my head would be if I could learn to just be grateful and thankful! When I express these feelings of guilt to my mother during our long phone conversations I can feel her eyes rolling and hear the exasperation in her voice. "Anna! You have nothing to be guilty about!" About 95% of the time she is right, but even hearing her confirmation doesn't always counteract my neurotic nature. So I said to myself while reading, "Anna, the only place this horrific guilt exists is inside of you. If you stop feeling it, it will disappear". I believe that, I truly do. At the end of the day, I am usually the only person even thinking about an encounter still, or a comment I made, or how I phrased something. While it is good to be introspective, you do need to keep some perspective! There will be times I am thankful while others are grieving, and times I am troubled when it seems like everyone else is thriving. Appreciating our blessings means putting aside the guilt and truly being thankful. 

Stop remembering what God has forgotten. -Psalm 103:12

Say "Cheese"!

A picture is worth a thousand words. That's one of my favorite expressions. It rings true to me in so many ways. Whether you are capturing an image of a beautiful view, of a loving family, of friends caught in a laugh, or of two people madly in love, the words to describe them are ever flowing. While a picture cannot always do a memory justice, they are a single glimpse of a passing moment in time that aims to capture our emotions. So that when we look back at them, those emotions return and remind us how special and beautiful it was.

I often times think, if I took a picture of myself right now, this very second in my life, what would my picture say about me? What emotions would it inspire? What adjectives would they use? Is it a picture worth keeping? Would I treasure that memory all my life? Or would I look at it in shame or disappointment? Does it not live up to my expectations for myself?

Not every picture or memory in our life is one we want to keep. Not all make it into the scrapbook. But it's funny how those memories stay within us. Others may forget them, but we hold on to them. Lessons learned, mistakes made. They shape us, and they are what lead us to the good pictures. They motivate us, and inspire us to change for the better. They make the good pictures mean more.

I hope when people look at my picture they say these words: kind, loving, motivated, giving, joyful, humble, funny, creative, generous, caring, smart, honest, graceful, blessed, strong, optimistic, christian, hopeful, beautiful, inspiring, selfless, loved, aspiring, patient, courageous, faithful, calm, trustworthy, devoted, good, responsible, thoughtful, considerate, friendly.

It's not a thousand, but my list is constantly growing.

Everyday I take a picture of myself in my head and check off my list of words. Some days I check more than others. But I try everyday to earn them. I am not perfect and never will be. But my future and my actions are in my own hands. I can be any word I want, I just have to believe.

So write your list of words. They may be different than mine, some may be the same. They depend on you. Your goals and your dreams. They depend on who you want to be in your life. And everyday try to achieve those words. So when God looks at your picture, they are what he sees.

86,400 seconds in a day....tick tock

Time is a funny thing. Is it even a thing? I guess it's a thing, but you can't even hold it in your hand. An hour consists of a certain number of minutes, a day of hours and a year of days. Sometimes I feel like I'm chasing after it to keep up, and other times it's as if the clock hands never move. I think a lot of it has to do with my mentality at the time. We beg and beg for time to speed up during our times of trouble. We beg and beg for time to slow down in our moments of pure bliss and enjoyment. And the real kicker is that time is represented by change. I only want the bad things to change, never the good. Tick tock, tick tock.

I count down the day leading up to change. 3 days until I reunite with an old, dear friend. 4 days until another roommate moves on. 28 days until my lease ends on my apartment. Which means 28 days until I need to find a job and a new path. And somewhere in there, the possibility of my new beautiful nieces birth. Every day, even as I type this now, the seconds are counting down. Change is coming.

For every amazing blessing we are gifted, hard change is not far by. It’s not a punishment, rather a fact of life. Change happens. Sometimes it means that one bad thing turns into a good thing. Sometimes it means one good thing turns into a bad thing. Sometimes it means one good thing turns into another good thing. It’s impossible to know which combination is going to happen. Its change. To change things have to become different. Nothing can stay the same.
 To be honest, most things we want to change. Just on our own schedule. But very rarely does God ask us for our planners. For our 5 year and 10 year goals. We pray and he knows what is truly in our hearts. What plans he has for us. They are independent of time. Independent of the clock on the walls. What God wants us to achieve, to reach, is based on us. It doesn't take a lifetime to achieve happiness. It doesn't take 10 years, 10 weeks or even 10 days to achieve each goal. We are given the amount of time we need.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

There is a time for everything. The present time may not seem promising. Times may get tough. But as surely as bad things are going to happen, good times will happen too. God times the changes in our life perfectly. And we change according to Gods purpose for us. It is up to us to believe in him. To have faith.

Make your faith bigger than you, bigger than change, bigger than time. 

Ciao. Adios. Sayonara. Au revoir. Goodbye. I'll be seeing you.

Goodbyes are hard. And they only get harder as we grow up.

When I was in high school, like many others my age, I graduated and moved to my respective college thinking I would stay in touch with everyone. In high school I was friends with a lot of different people but I too had my core group of friends. After the big move, you would slowly disconnect with people. The friends you thought you would have forever, or the people that were just a friendly face in the hall. Life happens and for the time being, there simply wasn't the time to keep in touch. Even some family members get pushed toward the back shelf. Its not that you care any less for them, more that the new and exciting adventures in your life seem to take precedent.

At the same time you are disconnecting with old friends, you are connecting with new ones. People from other areas, other backgrounds, etc. They are new, different, and intriguing. Often, they have the same interests as you and seem to fit, like a part of a puzzle you never knew was missing a piece. You grow, share memories, hardships, accomplishments and you change, hopefully for the better. But all too soon, its time to say goodbye again. Some friends will stay close while others will move across the country. You say goodbye and it doesn't seem as easy as before.

The next phase in life for many is your first job. You start new and fresh. You meet coworkers, neighbors, and random strangers. They are your "adult friends". You all have responsibilities. More than you've ever had before. You have a budget, a job, work assignments, a family, and a significant other. The "hangouts" change drastically. Instead of parties and bars, you have wine nights, meet for an early dinner, go to shows together, etc. Life is different, but you still find it just as enjoyable.

In my case, I went to graduate school and was blessed with thirteen beautiful people I got to call friends. Each person was from a different state, a different background, and had different ideas and beliefs. While we weren't all "best friends", I can say honestly we cared very much for each other. Similarly, my first job blessed me with not only two amazing bosses, but their families. They accepted me as one of their own. Though we didn't have to be, we became family more than friends.

I'm not sure if the friends we make as we get older mean more to us, or rather, because they are there for so many life changes and difficulties, we accept them as truer. I've never had a friend I didn't care about, and like many, I can say I would do almost anything to help a friend.

I think as we mature, and get older we learn to appreciate the value of a good friend. The frailty of life, and how quickly the people we care about can be taken away. We look back and realize the friendships that meant the most to us, and in some cases, the friendships we wish we hadn't let go. In my experience, those friends are missing you just as much as you are missing them. It takes courage to reach out to someone you feel you have disappointed, but the reward is worth the fear.

I think the true testament of a great life is the people you surround yourself with. You hope god blesses your life with individuals that will help you grow and be the best version of you there is. You hope you are able to do the same for them. The number of people that fit this bill may be slim. But you'll know who they are when you meet them.

As I walked across the stage this past weekend, graduating and moving towards my next adventure in life, I found myself smiling instead of crying. And this is my advice:

Give yourself to others and let them give to you. Speak kindly, share your stories, and listen to theirs. You won't know the answer to everything, and neither will they. You will fall down and you will help each other up.  Always give more than you take. And above all else, let people know how much they mean to you. At the end of the day, if you can smile instead of cry when saying goodbye, you know you did it. You are smiling because you know its impossible to say goodbye to people who live in your very heart and soul. You have given love and you have received it.

Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Which came first? The anger or the fear?

Anger is a funny emotion. I've never been really great at it. Maybe that's why when I feel it I go a little off the deep end. You know the feeling I am talking about. It's like someone else takes over your body. Every muscle is tense, you can't take a full, deep breath. By the time I get to the middle of my rant I can barely remember why I was mad in the first place. That just makes me more mad. I know I probably had a reason, but now I'm the only person upset and shouting for something I can't even remember.

I also have a problem with guilt. When I yell or get upset at someone I instantly regret it. What if I hurt the other persons feelings? What if I said something that might stick with them and effect their life? It doesn't matter that what I said was probably true. It doesn't matter that I rarely get angry and yell at someone instantly. I think about those thoughts a lot. I hold it in until I can't do that anymore. To me it seems as that's doing them a favor, not getting mad at them all the time. But I can see how people would say that's a disservice, because if you don't know you did something wrong how can I expect you to fix it.

If you are confused after reading all that, you have a glimpse of how I feel about anger. I don't hate many things, other than pickles mainly, but I hate anger. Which is funny because anger leads to hate. As a wise, small, green man living in a swamp one said, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Well I suffer when I am angry.

It's like one of those true weeds. It grows and wraps around you suffocating all reason. I don't like myself when I am angry and I am sure no one else does either. And lately I have been angry a lot. I think we often go towards anger when we know nothing else. When we are afraid.

The past year I have gone through a lot of changes. And I am afraid of the unknown. The uncertainty eats away at you. I push away people I care about because I am afraid of the possibility of loosing them. Specifically one person who I care about the most. It's hard to have faith when you are surrounded by doubt and negativity. You can convince yourself of almost anything when you imagine it and think about it long and hard enough. It's amazing the things that you imagine. Your worst fears brought to life. And somehow every single one of them seems reasonable.

The fear then multiplies. What is real and what have I made up. Can I even figure that out anymore? The worst part is all this is to keep me safe, to avoid potential suffering. But I am suffering.  Not letting yourself believe in the possibility of good is suffering. Not letting yourself be loved is to suffer.

John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

I have perfect love. In my significant other, in my family and in my friends. Fear is a dangerous emotion. I've decided that I don't hate anger, I hate that my fear and doubts manifest as it. When you are so blessed to have supportive people in your life, knowing they will always be there, in spite of the uncertainty should diminish my fear. Knowing I have someone in heaven watching over me should comfort me.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

When you are afraid and find yourself doubting all things. When you turn to anger to instead of love remember that God is with you. He is the light house during your storm. The only answer we need is that the people we love, and the God we love will always be with us. Allowing yourself to believe this is the biggest leap of all, but it is so worth it.

Remember to forgive. Remember to apologize. Remember to tell people you love them. Remember to let go of those burdens. Its hard to move past the anger and fear. I am still trying to move past it. But if you hold on, you may lose the things you cherish most.

On your mark, get set, go!

Yesterday my lacrosse team won our conference championship title. A freshman, of all players, scored with 3 seconds left on the clock to push us to an 11-10 victory over the reigning champs. The pandemonium that followed was something to behold. The team ran to hug our goalie across the field, as two seniors ceremoniously poured the contents of our water cooler over our surprised head coach. There were tears, smiles and laughter.

In the midst of all this excitement I was left speechless. Have you ever felt so full of emotions that you physically can't express even just one? I was so happy for our win, full of pride for my boys, and also sad knowing that my time with them would soon be over. As one by one came to hug me I realized that while the victory is the icing on the cake, the cake itself is enough. Every one of them has touched my heart in some way and that wouldn't have changed with or without a victory.

Sports are so much like life. Every person on every team tries day after day to be better, to do more, to make a difference. Individual effort is important but one person can't win a game. You need every player on board and striving for an individual goal. Then this individual goal is a goal that multiple, hundreds actually, of teams are striving for. You can't put in the effort during just one game and expect to win it all. You have to dedicate yourself and give all you have every game and practice all season long. Sometimes even that isn't enough. The friendly competition is important to sports but one thing that always makes me think is that their can only be one winner. Someone always has to lose. Sometimes we don't play to our potential and can blame a loss on that. The harder experience is when you play your best, give your all and you still don't end up on top.

We can't win all the time. Its inevitable that we are going to lose. Whether its a fight with the car, or our computer, or its something bigger like losing someone you couldn't help. It's going to happen. Others are striving for the same goals, and not everyone can reach it. In many cases, only one person out of the billion on the planet can reach it. Knowing that doesn't make us try any less hard. We still work towards the idea of success, the idea of winning it all. And that is part of who we are as human beings. Society dictates that we continually strive for more. New technology, new jobs, new advances....we are conditioned to have a need to keep up, to have to work towards more. The game will never be over until the ultimate victory is achieved....being welcomed into God's kingdom.

In life there are no three strikes, no timed clocks, no referees. It's just us, our faith, our motivation, and our perseverance. All we can do is enjoy the ride, enjoy the little victories and appreciate how lucky we are to win at all. Batter up!