Say "Cheese"!

A picture is worth a thousand words. That's one of my favorite expressions. It rings true to me in so many ways. Whether you are capturing an image of a beautiful view, of a loving family, of friends caught in a laugh, or of two people madly in love, the words to describe them are ever flowing. While a picture cannot always do a memory justice, they are a single glimpse of a passing moment in time that aims to capture our emotions. So that when we look back at them, those emotions return and remind us how special and beautiful it was.

I often times think, if I took a picture of myself right now, this very second in my life, what would my picture say about me? What emotions would it inspire? What adjectives would they use? Is it a picture worth keeping? Would I treasure that memory all my life? Or would I look at it in shame or disappointment? Does it not live up to my expectations for myself?

Not every picture or memory in our life is one we want to keep. Not all make it into the scrapbook. But it's funny how those memories stay within us. Others may forget them, but we hold on to them. Lessons learned, mistakes made. They shape us, and they are what lead us to the good pictures. They motivate us, and inspire us to change for the better. They make the good pictures mean more.

I hope when people look at my picture they say these words: kind, loving, motivated, giving, joyful, humble, funny, creative, generous, caring, smart, honest, graceful, blessed, strong, optimistic, christian, hopeful, beautiful, inspiring, selfless, loved, aspiring, patient, courageous, faithful, calm, trustworthy, devoted, good, responsible, thoughtful, considerate, friendly.

It's not a thousand, but my list is constantly growing.

Everyday I take a picture of myself in my head and check off my list of words. Some days I check more than others. But I try everyday to earn them. I am not perfect and never will be. But my future and my actions are in my own hands. I can be any word I want, I just have to believe.

So write your list of words. They may be different than mine, some may be the same. They depend on you. Your goals and your dreams. They depend on who you want to be in your life. And everyday try to achieve those words. So when God looks at your picture, they are what he sees.

86,400 seconds in a day....tick tock

Time is a funny thing. Is it even a thing? I guess it's a thing, but you can't even hold it in your hand. An hour consists of a certain number of minutes, a day of hours and a year of days. Sometimes I feel like I'm chasing after it to keep up, and other times it's as if the clock hands never move. I think a lot of it has to do with my mentality at the time. We beg and beg for time to speed up during our times of trouble. We beg and beg for time to slow down in our moments of pure bliss and enjoyment. And the real kicker is that time is represented by change. I only want the bad things to change, never the good. Tick tock, tick tock.

I count down the day leading up to change. 3 days until I reunite with an old, dear friend. 4 days until another roommate moves on. 28 days until my lease ends on my apartment. Which means 28 days until I need to find a job and a new path. And somewhere in there, the possibility of my new beautiful nieces birth. Every day, even as I type this now, the seconds are counting down. Change is coming.

For every amazing blessing we are gifted, hard change is not far by. It’s not a punishment, rather a fact of life. Change happens. Sometimes it means that one bad thing turns into a good thing. Sometimes it means one good thing turns into a bad thing. Sometimes it means one good thing turns into another good thing. It’s impossible to know which combination is going to happen. Its change. To change things have to become different. Nothing can stay the same.
 To be honest, most things we want to change. Just on our own schedule. But very rarely does God ask us for our planners. For our 5 year and 10 year goals. We pray and he knows what is truly in our hearts. What plans he has for us. They are independent of time. Independent of the clock on the walls. What God wants us to achieve, to reach, is based on us. It doesn't take a lifetime to achieve happiness. It doesn't take 10 years, 10 weeks or even 10 days to achieve each goal. We are given the amount of time we need.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

There is a time for everything. The present time may not seem promising. Times may get tough. But as surely as bad things are going to happen, good times will happen too. God times the changes in our life perfectly. And we change according to Gods purpose for us. It is up to us to believe in him. To have faith.

Make your faith bigger than you, bigger than change, bigger than time. 

Ciao. Adios. Sayonara. Au revoir. Goodbye. I'll be seeing you.

Goodbyes are hard. And they only get harder as we grow up.

When I was in high school, like many others my age, I graduated and moved to my respective college thinking I would stay in touch with everyone. In high school I was friends with a lot of different people but I too had my core group of friends. After the big move, you would slowly disconnect with people. The friends you thought you would have forever, or the people that were just a friendly face in the hall. Life happens and for the time being, there simply wasn't the time to keep in touch. Even some family members get pushed toward the back shelf. Its not that you care any less for them, more that the new and exciting adventures in your life seem to take precedent.

At the same time you are disconnecting with old friends, you are connecting with new ones. People from other areas, other backgrounds, etc. They are new, different, and intriguing. Often, they have the same interests as you and seem to fit, like a part of a puzzle you never knew was missing a piece. You grow, share memories, hardships, accomplishments and you change, hopefully for the better. But all too soon, its time to say goodbye again. Some friends will stay close while others will move across the country. You say goodbye and it doesn't seem as easy as before.

The next phase in life for many is your first job. You start new and fresh. You meet coworkers, neighbors, and random strangers. They are your "adult friends". You all have responsibilities. More than you've ever had before. You have a budget, a job, work assignments, a family, and a significant other. The "hangouts" change drastically. Instead of parties and bars, you have wine nights, meet for an early dinner, go to shows together, etc. Life is different, but you still find it just as enjoyable.

In my case, I went to graduate school and was blessed with thirteen beautiful people I got to call friends. Each person was from a different state, a different background, and had different ideas and beliefs. While we weren't all "best friends", I can say honestly we cared very much for each other. Similarly, my first job blessed me with not only two amazing bosses, but their families. They accepted me as one of their own. Though we didn't have to be, we became family more than friends.

I'm not sure if the friends we make as we get older mean more to us, or rather, because they are there for so many life changes and difficulties, we accept them as truer. I've never had a friend I didn't care about, and like many, I can say I would do almost anything to help a friend.

I think as we mature, and get older we learn to appreciate the value of a good friend. The frailty of life, and how quickly the people we care about can be taken away. We look back and realize the friendships that meant the most to us, and in some cases, the friendships we wish we hadn't let go. In my experience, those friends are missing you just as much as you are missing them. It takes courage to reach out to someone you feel you have disappointed, but the reward is worth the fear.

I think the true testament of a great life is the people you surround yourself with. You hope god blesses your life with individuals that will help you grow and be the best version of you there is. You hope you are able to do the same for them. The number of people that fit this bill may be slim. But you'll know who they are when you meet them.

As I walked across the stage this past weekend, graduating and moving towards my next adventure in life, I found myself smiling instead of crying. And this is my advice:

Give yourself to others and let them give to you. Speak kindly, share your stories, and listen to theirs. You won't know the answer to everything, and neither will they. You will fall down and you will help each other up.  Always give more than you take. And above all else, let people know how much they mean to you. At the end of the day, if you can smile instead of cry when saying goodbye, you know you did it. You are smiling because you know its impossible to say goodbye to people who live in your very heart and soul. You have given love and you have received it.

Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Which came first? The anger or the fear?

Anger is a funny emotion. I've never been really great at it. Maybe that's why when I feel it I go a little off the deep end. You know the feeling I am talking about. It's like someone else takes over your body. Every muscle is tense, you can't take a full, deep breath. By the time I get to the middle of my rant I can barely remember why I was mad in the first place. That just makes me more mad. I know I probably had a reason, but now I'm the only person upset and shouting for something I can't even remember.

I also have a problem with guilt. When I yell or get upset at someone I instantly regret it. What if I hurt the other persons feelings? What if I said something that might stick with them and effect their life? It doesn't matter that what I said was probably true. It doesn't matter that I rarely get angry and yell at someone instantly. I think about those thoughts a lot. I hold it in until I can't do that anymore. To me it seems as that's doing them a favor, not getting mad at them all the time. But I can see how people would say that's a disservice, because if you don't know you did something wrong how can I expect you to fix it.

If you are confused after reading all that, you have a glimpse of how I feel about anger. I don't hate many things, other than pickles mainly, but I hate anger. Which is funny because anger leads to hate. As a wise, small, green man living in a swamp one said, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Well I suffer when I am angry.

It's like one of those true weeds. It grows and wraps around you suffocating all reason. I don't like myself when I am angry and I am sure no one else does either. And lately I have been angry a lot. I think we often go towards anger when we know nothing else. When we are afraid.

The past year I have gone through a lot of changes. And I am afraid of the unknown. The uncertainty eats away at you. I push away people I care about because I am afraid of the possibility of loosing them. Specifically one person who I care about the most. It's hard to have faith when you are surrounded by doubt and negativity. You can convince yourself of almost anything when you imagine it and think about it long and hard enough. It's amazing the things that you imagine. Your worst fears brought to life. And somehow every single one of them seems reasonable.

The fear then multiplies. What is real and what have I made up. Can I even figure that out anymore? The worst part is all this is to keep me safe, to avoid potential suffering. But I am suffering.  Not letting yourself believe in the possibility of good is suffering. Not letting yourself be loved is to suffer.

John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

I have perfect love. In my significant other, in my family and in my friends. Fear is a dangerous emotion. I've decided that I don't hate anger, I hate that my fear and doubts manifest as it. When you are so blessed to have supportive people in your life, knowing they will always be there, in spite of the uncertainty should diminish my fear. Knowing I have someone in heaven watching over me should comfort me.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

When you are afraid and find yourself doubting all things. When you turn to anger to instead of love remember that God is with you. He is the light house during your storm. The only answer we need is that the people we love, and the God we love will always be with us. Allowing yourself to believe this is the biggest leap of all, but it is so worth it.

Remember to forgive. Remember to apologize. Remember to tell people you love them. Remember to let go of those burdens. Its hard to move past the anger and fear. I am still trying to move past it. But if you hold on, you may lose the things you cherish most.

On your mark, get set, go!

Yesterday my lacrosse team won our conference championship title. A freshman, of all players, scored with 3 seconds left on the clock to push us to an 11-10 victory over the reigning champs. The pandemonium that followed was something to behold. The team ran to hug our goalie across the field, as two seniors ceremoniously poured the contents of our water cooler over our surprised head coach. There were tears, smiles and laughter.

In the midst of all this excitement I was left speechless. Have you ever felt so full of emotions that you physically can't express even just one? I was so happy for our win, full of pride for my boys, and also sad knowing that my time with them would soon be over. As one by one came to hug me I realized that while the victory is the icing on the cake, the cake itself is enough. Every one of them has touched my heart in some way and that wouldn't have changed with or without a victory.

Sports are so much like life. Every person on every team tries day after day to be better, to do more, to make a difference. Individual effort is important but one person can't win a game. You need every player on board and striving for an individual goal. Then this individual goal is a goal that multiple, hundreds actually, of teams are striving for. You can't put in the effort during just one game and expect to win it all. You have to dedicate yourself and give all you have every game and practice all season long. Sometimes even that isn't enough. The friendly competition is important to sports but one thing that always makes me think is that their can only be one winner. Someone always has to lose. Sometimes we don't play to our potential and can blame a loss on that. The harder experience is when you play your best, give your all and you still don't end up on top.

We can't win all the time. Its inevitable that we are going to lose. Whether its a fight with the car, or our computer, or its something bigger like losing someone you couldn't help. It's going to happen. Others are striving for the same goals, and not everyone can reach it. In many cases, only one person out of the billion on the planet can reach it. Knowing that doesn't make us try any less hard. We still work towards the idea of success, the idea of winning it all. And that is part of who we are as human beings. Society dictates that we continually strive for more. New technology, new jobs, new advances....we are conditioned to have a need to keep up, to have to work towards more. The game will never be over until the ultimate victory is achieved....being welcomed into God's kingdom.

In life there are no three strikes, no timed clocks, no referees. It's just us, our faith, our motivation, and our perseverance. All we can do is enjoy the ride, enjoy the little victories and appreciate how lucky we are to win at all. Batter up!

Grown: adj. 1. No longer a child 2. Fully grown.

One thing I often wish I understood as a child was that grown-ups are not invincible. As many children do, I grew up blissfully naïve to the words stress and worry. I knew nothing of their definitions let alone that my parents might experience them. To me, my parents were always happy. The rare times they fought or looked sad could all be explained by my brothers getting in trouble, or dad forgetting the milk. Knowing better now, I consider myself blessed that I grew up in a happy home, with both sets of grandparents and every aunt, uncle, cousin and relative within 30 minutes from one another.

The word grown up is a sort of conundrum. To be grown implies that you have finished growing. You have reached the final level and there can be no more growth. But do we ever really stop growing up? It’s obvious to see the growth between your toddler years and pre-adolescence. Then becoming a teenager with all the hormones attached. It’s not until college and the years after that we really say we must “grow-up”. We get our first job, first apartment, learn to budget, etc. This in turn, for the lucky ones, leads to marriage and a family. They say the second child is much easier because we have learned all the tricks the first time around. We grow and we grow and we grow.

So when are we considered a grown-up? What criteria is necessary to be grown? Do you have to own a house? Have a family? Do your children need to be grown? Or is it simply a maturity level?

The older we get the wiser we are perceived. My grandparents are the wisest and most brilliant people I know. They have been through so many experiences and have survived so many challenges. They have each raised 3 kids, and have helped raise my siblings and me. I am constantly talking to my grandmother about my problems. She prays for many things. Sometimes answers, sometimes guidance, sometimes just to mention that we may need an extra angel looking over us. She often says (paraphrased), “I wish I had an answer for you. All we can do is pray for guidance and trust that God will help you through”. I believe that my experiences cause her to grow as well. My grandmother is 78 years old. If she is still growing……who in the world is fully grown?

I think that is one of the things we are most ignorant about. That our grandparents and parents are still growing, still maturing. They still face new challenges and dilemmas. They might be different than ours but they still face them. Just as we struggle and fail, they do as well. No matter the age, it is difficult to see past our own circumstances and put ourselves in others shoes. It is impossible to know how others feel, to understand why they react the way they do. My daisy could be another persons’ weed and vice versa.

I am 24 years old and all I want to be is a grown-up. I want people to look at me and see a mature adult not a little girl. But the idea of being grown is just an illusion. Maybe the point is that we will never stop growing. God is the only true grown-up. He is the only person that has experienced everything. He sees all, hears all, and knows all. The best we can do is trust that he is helping us grow in the right direction. 

a daisy by any other name

Is a daisy a weed or a flower? The answer is technically both. The answer depends on the location of the flower, the species, and your overall opinion. If a daisy were to pop up in the middle of your freshly manicured lawn you may have a tendency to call it a weed. However, if it popped up in the middle of your blooming flower bed you may say it adds to the beauty of the other flowers. But a daisy growing in a flower bed may not always be beautiful; it depends on the time of its bloom, the size of its accompanying family, and your goals for the flower bed. Who knew defining something so small could be so complicated.

I have always thought of a daisy as a flower. Small as it may be, its persistence in surviving both mother nature and humans desires seems admirable. Its colors so plain individually. But when put together, remind me how simple happiness can be. And a daisy rarely blooms alone. What is a flower without its brother and sisters? When I see more than one I think of it as bouquet. Pulling one up would take away from the whole. I think that's part of their plan. They know that beauty standing alone is easy to overlook, but pure beauty in gathering together is hard to disturb or overlook.

The past year of my life has had many changes and challenges. Personal loses and gains. Growing up is exciting and an adventure, but people rarely tell you that it does not come without change and loss. These changes have made me re-evaluate my faith, relationships, and my beliefs. They always say bad things come in three, but rarely do they say four, fives and sixes. In retrospect, the problems we encounter are never as bad as we see them at the time, and in comparison to others we would normally count our blessings. Never the less they affect us.

I have started thinking of these "bad things" as daisies. One bad thing may not seem so bad by itself. Its easy to pull out of the garden and get rid of. But when more than one thing hits you at the same time, its not as easy to brush them aside. The number of things that happen is then effected by the overall timing. A daisy growing at the same time as the rose bush is blooming is not desired. It would take away from the roses purity. And the timing is then effected by the goals of the flower bed. Did you just plant seeds? Where you starting from scratch? A daisy blooming in the middle of your rediscovery would be advantageous.

Its not to say that daisies are not beneficial. Sometimes the best circumstances come from the bad things. Change is not always bad. We hope that after the bad things we are better for them. That we have grown and survived that change.

Its all about perception. Stepping back and looking at the whole garden rather than a single row or bed. In the grand scheme, is a single daisy taking away from the gardens beauty? The enjoyment we find from it? Or is it just a small matter we are willing to overlook? In most cases it does not.

Worrying about a daisy seems ridiculous when faced with a true weed. One that wraps around and suffocates the violets, snapdragons and roses. There is no question they are a weed through and through. We hope in our life we do not encounter these weeds. But reality is such that most people meet one or two in their time. These are the "bad things" we need to fear. These are the "bad things" we must pray to get through, that we must call on our love ones to help. A daisy seems welcomed in the face of a true weed.

People often say "Go and smell the roses", well I say "Go and enjoy the daisies".